Guilty As Charged.

I know I’ve been talking a ton about the NICU but, the NICU is what our lives revolve around for now. So, I’m not sorry. If I don’t write it out, I’ll hold it in and that’s not good for any of us. So, here it goes… another fun fact about NICU…

The NICU whether you’re there feeding, holding, changing babies…the NICU whether you’re home trying to spend time with your older children…the NICU regardless of your babies age, gender or how sick they are… leaves you feeling extremely guilty.

NICU guilt is so real. You feel guilty for being there. You feel guilty for not being home. You feel guilty for the hundreds of pictures you’re taking because then where are the pictures of your older children? You feel guilty just napping. I feel guilty for almost everything I do these days. Hell, I even made it through my first day of not visiting the boys and that, that was ridiculously hard.

Yesterday, what I felt most guilty about was the boys simply being born. I feel guilty that my body failed them. That I couldn’t hold them inside even for just two more weeks. Are they doing great? YES! But, if I had just held them in for two more weeks maybe, just maybe, we could have gone home without a NICU stay. I had heard so many stories from co-workers, I had read all of these articles online about making it to just 34 weeks. And I couldn’t do that. The guilt kicked in pretty damn hard this morning when the nurse offered to take our first “family” photo. We aren’t a complete family in this picture. Not to mention the pure exhaustion that shows all over our faces. Am I grateful we have a memory? Of course I am! I just don’t want to show the girls because they’re struggling too.

Now, before you start commenting and giving me advice let’s talk about something. The guilt I’m feeling is so similar to grief. It comes in waves, crashing in to me. I drown for a few minutes and then I come back to the surface, bury it back down and continue on with my day. Grief hits me the same way, especially when it comes to my dad. Like grief, you can tell a person, “I’m so sorry, I know how you feel, let me know if you need anything”. However, none of that helps. I’m not asking for help because right now, I have it covered. I’m not asking for sympathy, I just want to get this out so I’m not constantly drowning. And most of all, every person who has either experienced life in the NICU or that of having a child who has experienced sickness such as cancer, experiences this differently. Kindly, we don’t know how we each feel but, hell yes we can relate.

If you’re a new to NICU mom, here’s a few things I like to do to relieve the guilt.

  • Call Any Time. The NICU is full of nurses and doctors who completely understand that you can’t be there 24/7. They don’t mind when you call, they’re happy to answer questions and they’re there around the clock. If you feel too guilty, give them a call!
  • Take All The Pictures. Take the damn picture! This journey is unique, and documenting it..the good, the bad and the ugly is beneficial.
  • Find An Outlet. For me, my outlet is this blog. I get to keep a digital notebook so to speak about our boys journey. This is my way of letting it all out, to complete strangers, to family, to friends, to anyone reading this right now.
  • Rest. I know, I know. I’m contradicting myself. I rest… I promise I do. But, between pumping, insomnia and my girls there’s almost no time to sleep. However, rest is essential to your well being. Rest mama. Trust and believe you’re baby is in the best hands.

There’s no better feeling than knowing that eventually my boys will be home, until then I’m going to ride out all of this guilt. I’m going to use this blog as my outlet. I’m going to spend time with my girls (thank you fall break!) and I’m going to enjoy my boys in the evening this week. The guilt may come every single day, but my mom strength is year round!

XO, Sabrina.

A Newfound Appreciation.

It’s been one week. One week of back and forth visits to the NICU. One week of juggling two out of three girls at home, while still getting daily visits in with boys. One week of spending thirty-ish dollars every other day just to have gas to go up to see the boys. It’s been one hell of a week! This week brought a newfound appreciation, and let me tell you it’s a big one.

As most of you know our story, the story of Zoram and I, began way way back in preschool. However, we didn’t actually start dating until our best friends got married. It was an instant click for both of us, but he would tell me “just friends”. Just friends turned into a dinner date, and’s all love birds and kissy faces from there. Zoram took in all three of my girls as his own. He didn’t miss a beat. It was a huge sigh of relief as I was a single parent, and I wasn’t sure what my future held. Heck, even my parents liked him and that was a huge deal!

When my dad passed, Zoram still didn’t miss a beat. He was there constantly helping to make sure we didn’t need anything, picking up the girls, going back and forth to yet another hospital.

When I decided to sell my house, when our future home was uncertain and we didn’t exactly know what to do.. he still stood there.

When we decided I needed a car to go back and forth to pick up the kids, he quickly allowed me to pick out something I could drive, save gas, and he could easily fix.

You guys get the concept right? He’s been a non-stop support system. It shouldn’t have been a surprise when it came to our boys. But, it was. It was a huge surprise that during my c-section he chose to stay while I got stitched up instead of following the boys. It was a huge surprise that he stayed by my side and did whatever I asked. It was a huge surprise that he went home to take care of the girls instead of staying at the hospital so we didn’t have to stress. It was a huge surprise that he made sure I was fine after leaving the hospital, and every day since.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate my husband. He has a whole new role in our family, a role that I wasn’t sure how he’d take on…and he surpassed all of my expectations. When we talk about the NICU taking a toll on parents, but not many people talk about the changed relationship between the parents. No, we don’t talk much about the NICU. It’s an almost unspoken conversation, except for the updates. But, the little things he does is a conversation we have daily. It’s those little things that make my heart flourish.

The truth is, he’s never gonna read this… and though I can write it out in multiple words, speaking the appreciation is hard. However, maybe another NICU parent will read this some day, maybe they’ll understand because they’re going through it too.

Xo, Sabrina.

Building Credit While Preparing For Twins!

Hey y’all!

I wanted to do a short little blurb about an awesome new find that’s going to help me rebuild my credit and be prepared for the twins. Before I begin, I am in NO way paid for the following. I truly just want to share this with others who may be able to use it to their advantage.

At one point in my life, I had great credit. Hell, I bought my first house at 21 years old. I wasn’t about to let anything stop me. Expect maybe my big head…I got my hands on credit cards and when times got tough, I turned to shopping. Of course, as young and dumb as I was despite my bills being paid I destroyed my credit by utilizing too much. So here I am, 7 years later, attempting to rebuild it.

Which lead to me Care Credit. I only recently found out about Care Credit when Andi had to get teeth pulled. We tried doing it without putting her under, and despite her bravery we couldn’t get past numbing the gums. But putting her under cost double if not triple the amount upfront. The dentist advised me about Care Credit and I got approved much to my surprise. That approval paid for a decent portion of the tooth pull and made it easier on my checkbook. I took each payment and returned it on time, and saw my credit score jump!

Now, not to long ago Care Credit and Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club paired up to allow card holders to purchase specific items from stores. These include baby care such as diapers, wipes, and medications. Feminine care, adult vitamins, prescriptions and so much more.

Which means I can buy a pack of diapers and wipes every pay week and pay the card down at the same time! Leaving me the ability to also purchase a $25 gift card each paycheck for “extras”. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this!

XO – Sabrina

8 Week Bump-Date!

Happy Sunday!

Today is our 8th week bump-date! Yay, we’ve made it 8 weeks! It’s also my first day back on night shift…and we will see how that goes!

What’s new this week?!

Well first off, we have arms! Yes, the boys have developed arms. This upcoming week we should have placenta development, and possibly some movement at our next ultrasound.

I still have days in which I don’t feel pregnant. And I also have days where I feel overwhelmingly pregnant, like today. Every food makes me nauseous, every movement is exhausting, and I honestly just want to go back to bed. None the less, our hope is the pregnancy continues to develop well.

So far the pregnancy has been ups and downs, mostly ups. I’ve noticed this pregnancy has made me much more nervous and panicky about losing the pregnancy. I’ve pondered this, perhaps it’s because of Zoram wanting to have his own bloodline. Or, maybe it’s the amount of money we’ve invested into the process. Either way, every day I don’t feel pregnant I’m in a mini panic!

I’ll admit I’ve gone shopping for some maternity clothes, dresses and such. I have noticed that this pregnancy has made me feel quite bloated at times and jeans cutting into my stomach makes me feel even more miserable. So if you catch me in a dress, just know it’s out of comfort not for style.

Additionally, Zoram picked out a color for the boys nursery… he needs to move boxes and what not out of their first, but okay. I’m glad he’s really on board for this pregnancy and is involved so much.

That’s all for this week! Make sure to check in next Sunday for our 9th Week Bump Date! We can’t wait to see what the ultrasound reveals.

PS – Babies are now the size of kidney beans (with arms)!

XO – Sabrina

Insert Eye-Roll Here.

While scouring the internet about twin pregnancy I’ve run into quite a few things that have made my eyes roll, I thought I’d share these with you.

1. Mom Groups

I’ve come across two twin mom groups that required pictures of said twins to be sent to moderators in order to be allowed. And no, you can’t send a picture of each I individually you must send them together. They call this “vetting”. HA! I’m sorry, but this is probably one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard of. I do not need to send you pictures of my children to get involved in a mom group.

2. Exhaustion Is Real

I laughed in my prior pregnancies at the women who were “too tired” to function. I retract my laughter. I now eye roll at all the pregnant mothers who can function. Don’t worry, we can all suffer together.

3. Pregnancy Dreams Are Vivid

Last night I had a crazy dream about my cousin who coincidentally is also pregnant with twins. This ones for you Alex! She was ready to pop, and I was complaining. Sure enough she popped like a balloon in my dream. Suddenly the blast of the popping balloon sent me flailing over the edge of a cliff. In real life, the cliff I was hanging on to was Zoram’s face and neck. He’s lucky I didn’t smack him. Can I go back to sleeping please?

4. There Are TONS Of Problems That Could Occur

I mean tons. Like, preterm labor, gestational diabetes, TTS, cord entanglement, c-sections snd so, so much more. Looking these up in your first trimester is probably not the best idea as you can try to back pedal but obviously it’s not going to work.

And finally…

5. People Always Have An Opinion

Literally, every single person has an opinion of you and your pregnancy. Good, bad, indifferent every person has one! I’ve come across the you’re crazy, and I’ve even got the you’re dumb. But, there are a select few who are out here rooting for me and I’m willing to keep on keeping on for that reason alone. Because I have support. If you don’t have support, I’ll be your support. Just reach out!

XO – Sabrina

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